I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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