Already got asked if we're dating
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
