Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
