I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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