are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
