I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
