She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
