After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?