No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
