I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
