Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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