I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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