get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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