I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
