Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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