i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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