That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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