Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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