it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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