Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
