The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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