Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
my poor anus
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
