I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
