I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
