My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
