he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
