Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
