You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
