i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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