dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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