I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
