...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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