I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
