I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
