We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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