I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
