For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
