What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
