i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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