piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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