It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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