Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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