So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
