i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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