you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
