just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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