you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you inspire me to be a worse person
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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