8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
