Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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