i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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