he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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