I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
