True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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