Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
