I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
