i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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