someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
