and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
