Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Mom said you looked used
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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