Just fell off a train. Bad.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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